


Endless

by liquescensolla



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst and Tragedy, Bittersweet Ending, Character Study, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Sex, M/M, Manga Spoilers, Marude's POV, POV First Person, Past Relationship(s), Somewhat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-28
Updated: 2016-08-28
Packaged: 2018-08-11 14:34:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7896382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liquescensolla/pseuds/liquescensolla
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Maybe I'm rambling but let this be a lesson to you all. You can't build a relationship on lies. How can you love yourself when you have no self to love? That man had none of that. He looked in the mirror and didn't know who was standing on the other side. I don't know what was going on in his mind. I loved him so damn much but I barely knew him. I knew nothing about him. He had no identity.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Endless

**Author's Note:**

> This the riskiest thing I ever did. That's right, first person. I really wanted to capture Marude's feelings from the moment he met Yoshitoki all the way to that confrontation on the boat. Well I hope you guys like this and enjoy!

Okay kids gather around I got a story to tell you. I need your undivided attention, meaning take your thumbs off the keyboard and put your goddamn phones away. I won't tell you again.

Now that I have your attention, first and foremost this is very important, a cautionary tale if you will. Before I begin there's something I'd like to ask you guys. I want your honest opinion because in this room there's no need to be ashamed. What is said in this room will stay here long after we leave and go on with our lives.

Have you ever been in love?

I'm sure you dying to know what I'm going to say right? I can see it in your eyes ever so vividly. Don't turn away because this makes me happy you see. You want to know right? Have I ever been in love right? Yes I have and it was a blessing but also a curse. There's so much I have to say and I highly suggest you grab a drink because you're going to need it.

This is a story about an ordinary who met and fell in love with opposing royalty.

The memories are flooding in like a sideshow that won't end. Time and time again I try to forget and pretend it was never meant to be but even I know that's bullshit. This is real everyone. What you call a storybook romance. Yes once upon a time that was us. We were the poster children for what it means to love. We are the reason why there's no boundaries that determines what and who you should love. They say love is love right? Look at us and you will see exactly why they chant those words with their last dying breath.

As I'm telling you this you're wondering why he's not here to tell his story. You're wondering why I look so somber as I speak my truth on something so beautiful and pristine. I can't. I just can't do it because our love eventually crashed in burned. It burned so much that I was the only one who made it out alive.

Let it be known that it's not the fire that killed him. It was the secrets he held. The secrets that caged him, and swallowed him up until there was no longer any more clean air to breathe. His secrets killed him. His lies killed him. It's not all bad because at the end of the day my diligence, my undying determination to find the truth freed him and gave him the death he desired.

Our love crashed and burned, cloaked in hopeless darkness until it kissed the ground, eventually giving birth to hope. Hope that our story will never make it to normalcy. They say love is love right? Those simple words will break the curse that hijacked and utterly demolished our storybook romance.

You're losing focus and I see it. Do I bore you? It's okay because I am a boring man. I was and am still a man of simplicity and it was a running joke but that's okay because I gave him something he never knew. This simple man here gave my beloved of complexity a sense of normalcy. You ask for proof and I'm here to give it to you. Allow me to give you some backstory.

This is the story of how Marude Itsuki met and fell madly in love with Yoshitoki Washuu.

This boring man was once an investigator. I did okay in the academy and I graduated after two years. Rank two and a new kid on the block. I was told that I will be given mentor and I couldn't be more annoyed. Answering to authority was never my specialty. Somebody called my name. I turned around and I was met with an overwhelming presence. He introduced himself and when it was my turn I was unable to even form words. He reeked of confidence and I knew on the spot that my mentor is a very prominent figure. We were teens back there, barely of legal age at the time. When he extended his hand I hesitated for a bit before I shook his hand. There's no way he missed that blush. There's no way he turned a blind eye to my inability to adjust. He knew and I knew but like teens we weren't ready to consider such a possibility.

We were teens with too many responsibilities. Teens forced to love the adult life. You see we had a world to protect. An entire species depending on us to keep then safe from ghouls. Whatever we felt on the inside took a backseat because what really mattered is our sense of justice. We grew a little older and I noticed something about myself. I never thought of myself as a friendship magnet, even among my fellow investigators. Like I told you prior I am a boring man. I wear my simplicity on my chest and I'm not ashamed to show it. This man was complex. So hard to master but when complexity and complicity come together it makes the perfect cohesion. I was Chika's first friend. While I am telling this I think back and I'm faced with something astonishing. I never seen this man with anyone else. I was the only person outside his family he interacted with on an interpersonal level. Maybe that's why he fell so hard. There are other factors that tie to this of course but nevertheless, I gave him a reality that was once foreign to him.

Chika came from an extremely wealthy family. Influential and prominent figures in Japan. In case you forgotten Chika is from the Washuu family. The family that gave birth to CCG and became a beacon of hope for humanity. Don't let that fool you because he had everything but knew nothing. It started with eating together and it evolved to spending our free time together. There's so much I had to show him and it was so comical seeing his face light up when he's faced with something unfamiliar. It made my heart swell, it really did. This guy was sheltered all his life. The only thing he knew was how to better serve his family. Strict is an understatement when I am forced to describe his father with one word. He stuck to his traditions and he wanted the same for his son. What father didn't know is that Chika was a rebel. Whatever he told him not to do he would do anyway and it was my influence that drived him. You damn right I'm proud because he went against his father's nasty words and followed his heart. See his heart was drawn to me and I don't want to toot my own horn but it was inevitable. How could he not fall for my rough exterior? I use to reek of rebellion.

See the heart is a muscle but for some reason it sets off every appropriate emotion. I didn't ask to fall for this man but I did. I wanted to stop before it started but Chika snatched my heart away and held it hostage. Okay maybe that's a strong term to use because in actuality he protected my heart and cherished it like his own. Did you not expect me to fall? You see I'm a pretty sensitive man that likes to act on his emotions a little too much. Chika had that effect on me and I'm sure I did the same to him. Our words were never enough so we expressed our love with actions. Mushy greets were cut out for meaningful hugs after speaking days apart. Romantic monologues turned to kissing on the bench. Commitment was never something we spoke on because our libido took over. There's more meaning when the heart speaks where there's no room for our voices. You look at me like I said something wrong. What's wrong with admitting our undying lust? We are all adults here you know and I should let it me known that I am a man and so was Chika. We had urges and hormones are a bitch when you're young and naïve. We knew nothing about sex but that didn't mean we were unable to learn.

For every time we touched and kissed each other it was a learning experience. For every time I teeth grazed the skin his neck when those nails raked over my back like he was searching. What you see on the computer screen is nothing like the real deal. What we felt was genuine raw passion, flames torching our resting place and igniting the longing lust that drove us. That's why we never stopped. That's why we learned so much about each other. They say there's a difference between making love and fucking. That's true because we fucked each other until we drowned in the pool of love. Love is dangerous after all. When we got older everything got better. See we learned so much and the bond we shared only grew. See I loved Chika more than anything but more than that he was my best friend. I was his only friend and first love and I like to pride myself in the fact that every first we had was with each other.

There was a setback though. Not major, but the future is always uncertain. Remember what I said right? Chika had to serve his family but that also means carrying on the bloodline. He had his first child, a son. He was to be the next heir of the Washuu legacy and in that family they start them young. Matsuri Washuu is his name, quiet but extremely intelligent. I knew that kid was going to go far and Chika knew as well. He was a sweet kid. He really was...

I am not sure if you care but I'm just going to say. The same year baby Matsuri was born 'Chika' became 'Yoshitoki'. It's a family tradition and since Yoshitoki was the heir to succeed his father he needed the name to fit his new position. I was so proud but it's so weird though. I felt happiness but lurking in the background was this ugly bitterness. Before you judge you must know that I loved baby Matsuri. He was like a son to me and you know what's funny? He referred to me and Yoshitoki as his papa.

One time I corrected him and he he didn't take it well. I tried to reason with the little one but he really saw me as his father. His mother was nowhere to be found and I'm not here to speak on that. Young but smart as a whip. Matsuri never ever saw anything amiss about having two fathers. All he saw was two men, one being his biological father madly in love with each other. Let this be a lesson for you all. Let this sink in and let it be ingrained into your minds. Kids know love more than we do and for a young boy, who can barely write his own name in Kanji knew love. He knew enough to know how much his fathers loved each other.

One day we were teens and now we are men. It took me a while to let it register that we are no longer teens. We were grown men thrown into the dangerous world and all we had were out willpower and weapons. You see, we both had jobs to do. Yoshitoki became bureau director and I'm sure you can imagine the stress that put him through. I really hope you do.

We had time for nothing but had plenty of time for each other. I didn't understand and even today I still don't. Our jobs made romance nearly impossible but we kept it together. Maybe it's codependency and right now I'm not in the mood to profile myself so please don't make me. I always had time for him just like he always had time for me. Love even trumps poor time management. Who would've known?

I was often praised for this. I was stupidly in love but I wasn't a stupid man. Itsuki Marude is never a fool and even when Yoshitoki coddled my heart that never stopped from smelling the funk. That man had a lot of secrets and when you're carrying too many secrets it starts to leak. It leaks so much that you leave stains behind. There's nothing to clean them up so it starts to smell. It smells so bad that you have no other choice but to investigate.

We at the CCG knew it wasn't perfect. I don't give a shit if your sense of justice is as strong as the gravitational pull that keeps this universe together; there's no such thing as a perfect organization. Especially when justice itself is not perfect. I worked for a very imperfect organization but I didn't know the true extent of that imperfection. I learned a horrible truth ladies and gentlemen. I learned that it was never about imperfection. I was uncovering a lie that will shake the very core of this  world. I knew from that day forward my life and my relationship to Yoshitoki will never be the same. It was only downhill from there.

Four years. Four long and painful years. Four years it the time it took for me to finally confront Yoshitoki about my findings. I knew the truth. I knew everything and I had plenty of chances to confront him. I didn't and till this day I can only blame my denial and cowardice. When you're in love sometimes it's hard to accept the ugly truth. I knew what this would mean for the world and I knew that I was dealing with a very dangerous situation.

Look I'm an honest guy you see. I don't care who are and what you mean to me. I expect honesty. I'll give you all my honesty but I expect you to reciprocate that sentiment. No matter how you look at it Yoshitoki is a liar and if he thought I would give him a pass then he's not as intelligent as I initially thought. He's dead so I will never know but he knew it was coming. This was the finale for us. I know it and he knew it.

I hate to make this more tragic than it already was ladies and gentlemen but relationships built on lies will never survive. It's our final operation together. Only one of us was going to make it out alive. The winner of this confrontation has already been decided and now I had the opening. I loaded the gun, one shot, one kill. That's all I needed because I came with the intent to put an end to this. Held it up, locked my target and told him everything I knew. Calm he was but nervous he felt. I didn't want to. I really didn't. Never doubt your intuition you guys. Never ever doubt it.

One shot one kill. That's all I needed. He fell to the ground and I waited....and waited. If it's murder then it's murder. At least I killed knowing my findings were all wrong. Damn I'm getting emotional over this. The memories are flooding in and I cannot begin to fathom this. I closed my eyes for a second and I open them to a fucking nightmare. Two kakugan, the face of horrifying truth lunges at me with the bullet still embedding into his forehead.

...  
...  
...  
...it was all a lie.

Everything was a lie.

The dead won't rest knowing this.

I haven't had a good night sleep since that night. I even lost a couple of years of my life because of it. The memories are clouded but I remember his lifeless body laying by the wall. I remember his final words as he attempts to caress my face like I'm supposed to be okay. Like I'm supposed to give him my goodbyes.

I guess I'm weak.

I gave him that.

I gave him my goodbyes.

I told him to wait for me. I told him to free himself of his burdens because the moment we meet again I will not tolerate any bullshit. I don't know if there's more he wanted to tell me. He can tell me later.

He died that night. His lies killed him. Oh well...can't say he didn't deserve it.

I should have died that night.

Maybe? I'm not even sure.

Oh what is this?

My face is wet.

Tears huh?

Why didn't you tell me?

You guys are so cruel.

Maybe I'm rambling but let this be a lesson to you all. You can't build a relationship on lies. How can you love yourself when you have no self to love? That man had none of that. He looked in the mirror and didn't know who was standing on the other side. I don't know what was going on in his mind. I loved him so damn much but I barely knew him. I knew nothing about him. He had no identity.

Washuu is no longer a name of pride and honor when it's built on lies. That family was doomed the moment they thought it was okay to live a lie. They bought themselves down and the world with them. Why? Just why? Where's the logic? I still can't wrap my head around this. I hate not knowing the motive behind one's actions. His son is next in line. He's the new heir. I haven't seen him since but I hear the whispers. I worry about him. I worry about all his children. His army of children that were bred and raised in the shadows. This liar is not the man I love, or is it? What does that say about me? Can somebody help me understand?

When you leave this room I need you all to let this seep into your minds and hearts. This is not meant to be a love story. This is not a story to praise and emulate. This is not to be taken as relationship goals. This is a cautionary tale. What not to do. If you sense that something is wrong then follow your instincts. Intuition is a powerful tool. Utilize it.

Thank you for hearing my story. It's been an honor to share this with you.

I must go now.

Good day to you all.

I don't want to keep him waiting.


End file.
